the Platinum Circle
Guys at work hate you, says Brutus.
Who hates me? says Ajo.
Amex is pissed big time, says Brutus. Amex figures you shafted his
Platinum Circle idea.
I didn't shaft it, says Ajo. Anybody could see it was
Homo thought it was o.k., says Brutus.
Homo fuggin' Sapiens is so
dumb he whispers in the washroom, says Ajo. Fugg.
He's religious, says
Brutus. That's why he whispers.
Know what he said to me? says Ajo. "I'm glad
you're not a member of my church... that way we can keep things
Homo said that? says Brutus. Was he drunk?
back from that Retreat up in Red Oaks, says Ajo. I whipped his ass on the golf
I repeat, was he drunk? says Brutus.
Homo can't play golf, says
Ajo. I shoot 90 on a good day, he shoots one ten if he's lucky.
overt contempt, man, says Brutus. Your negativity about their ideas.
'em, says Ajo. My negativity is merely a challenge to the smug disposition some
people have about themselves.
Oh they're smug, says Brutus.
They live in
a caste system, says Ajo. They live in The Platinum Circle.
better than 90 for that, I say.
What's wrong with 90? says Ajo. Guys I golf
with, best is 80. When I golfed, I say, I routinely went around in 70,
You shot 70? says Ajo. Don't believe you.
I hate golf, I say. I hate
the culture that surrounds it.
In my world you golf or you stay in the
mailroom, says Ajo. Part of the caste.
Sitting around yapping about the
Golden Bear and the fucking Shark, I say. Golf is a pathetic statement on
civilization... dressed like a dork, hitting a fucking little white ball into a
Considered a very civilized past time, says Ajo.
If you can call
ritualized humiliation civilization, I say.
It's just you and the
ball, says Ajo.
I don't much like the scene either, says Brutus.
because you can't slice and chop your way around under 150, says Ajo. That's
It's the attitude, says Brutus.
I'll bet when Payne
Stewart's Lear went down, you guys were all sentimental, I say. I bet the
sentiment was dripping like spring sperm. I'll bet you all went out and bought
tam o shanters and Plus Fours. Am I right or am I wrong?
Wrong, says Ajo.
Stewart was a fringe player.
Won the US Open, I say. That's not
Tiger Williams, says Ajo, he's the man.
Bet he hasn't read any
books recently, says Brutus.
He's a robot, I say.
A well-paid robot,
Part of this whole New Age athletics scene, I say. You groom the
kid from the cradle to hit a ball. I mean, what's that? Eugenics?
happened to Nick Faldo? says Brutus.
A groupie took him down, says Ajo.
Messed with his head.
Well, I say, what would you do if you were on the tour
in Texas and a member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader squad came up to you on
the thirteenth hole wearing a mini?
A cheerleader? says Brutus.
Nick I love your driver, I say.
That's life, says Ajo. His long game
improved... but his short game went to hell.
he and his buddies all went unconscious
You should read Golf In The Kingdom, says Ajo, if you wanna
understand what the game is all about.
I have read it, I say. Pure
Hey, watch your mouth, boy, says Ajo. I know men who've travelled
to Scotland to play Saint Andrews specifically after reading that
Brutus, I say, make a note: Ajo knows someone who's actually read a
A great book, says Ajo.
Cheap mysticism, I say. A Californian's
idea of Scotland. Seamus McDivitt my ass.
Who's Seamus McDivitt? says
The sage who tries to make a Pythagorean paradigm out of golf, I
You haven't read it, says Ajo. His name is Shivas Irons.
right, I say. It's Shivas Irons -- an equally stupid name.
I like it, says
You like puns, says Brutus.
Bet Payne Stewart did too, I say.
weird what happened to Stewart, says Ajo.
A hole in one, says
Oxygen failure during the ascent, says Ajo. He and his buddies all
That's the theory, I say.
You think it was suicide?
Like a cult thing? I say. Doubt it.
Why not? says Brutus.
Like the Solar Temple.
Why not bring in the Bermuda Triangle when you're at
it, says Ajo.
Payne Stewart was a religious fellow, wasn't he? says
I dunno, was he? says Ajo.
You're the golf expert, says Brutus.
Me, I'm just a hacker.
I don't fuggin' know, says Ajo. Jesus.
followed him around at Myrtle Beach, didn't you? I say.
Fugg... you guys,
says Ajo. Went to the PGA in Atlanta, that's all.
Dressed in Plus Fours, I
Golf In The Kingdom in your pocket, says Brutus.
Ajo is blue with torment. He gurgles as big Brutus emits little
laughs, mean laughs, revenge laughs, Curvo laughs. My laughs are completely
normal... although was it Cicero who said laughing is the consequence of wind?
My Name Is Bond