Acapulco by Lawrence Russell
Lawrence Russell


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««« Acapulco

the Platinum Circle

Guys at work hate you, says Brutus.
Who hates me? says Ajo. Amex?
Amex is pissed big time, says Brutus. Amex figures you shafted his Platinum Circle idea.
I didn't shaft it, says Ajo. Anybody could see it was stupid.
Homo thought it was o.k., says Brutus.
Homo fuggin' Sapiens is so dumb he whispers in the washroom, says Ajo. Fugg.
He's religious, says Brutus. That's why he whispers.
Know what he said to me? says Ajo. "I'm glad you're not a member of my church... that way we can keep things professional...."
Homo said that? says Brutus. Was he drunk?
Coming back from that Retreat up in Red Oaks, says Ajo. I whipped his ass on the golf course.
I repeat, was he drunk? says Brutus.
Homo can't play golf, says Ajo. I shoot 90 on a good day, he shoots one ten if he's lucky.
It's your overt contempt, man, says Brutus. Your negativity about their ideas.
Fuck 'em, says Ajo. My negativity is merely a challenge to the smug disposition some people have about themselves.
Oh they're smug, says Brutus.
They live in a caste system, says Ajo. They live in The Platinum Circle.
Gotta shoot better than 90 for that, I say.
What's wrong with 90? says Ajo. Guys I golf with, best is 80. When I golfed, I say, I routinely went around in 70, 75.
You shot 70? says Ajo. Don't believe you.
I hate golf, I say. I hate the culture that surrounds it.
In my world you golf or you stay in the mailroom, says Ajo. Part of the caste.
Sitting around yapping about the Golden Bear and the fucking Shark, I say. Golf is a pathetic statement on civilization... dressed like a dork, hitting a fucking little white ball into a hole....
Considered a very civilized past time, says Ajo.
If you can call ritualized humiliation civilization, I say.
It's just you and the ball, says Ajo.
I don't much like the scene either, says Brutus.
That's because you can't slice and chop your way around under 150, says Ajo. That's your problem.
It's the attitude, says Brutus.
I'll bet when Payne Stewart's Lear went down, you guys were all sentimental, I say. I bet the sentiment was dripping like spring sperm. I'll bet you all went out and bought tam o shanters and Plus Fours. Am I right or am I wrong?
Wrong, says Ajo. Stewart was a fringe player.
Won the US Open, I say. That's not fringe.
Tiger Williams, says Ajo, he's the man.
Bet he hasn't read any books recently, says Brutus.
He's a robot, I say.
A well-paid robot, says Ajo.
Part of this whole New Age athletics scene, I say. You groom the kid from the cradle to hit a ball. I mean, what's that? Eugenics?
What ever happened to Nick Faldo? says Brutus.
A groupie took him down, says Ajo. Messed with his head.
Well, I say, what would you do if you were on the tour in Texas and a member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader squad came up to you on the thirteenth hole wearing a mini?
A cheerleader? says Brutus.
Oh Nick I love your driver
, I say.
That's life, says Ajo. His long game improved... but his short game went to hell.

he and his buddies all went unconscious

You should read Golf In The Kingdom, says Ajo, if you wanna understand what the game is all about.
I have read it, I say. Pure ballocks.
Hey, watch your mouth, boy, says Ajo. I know men who've travelled to Scotland to play Saint Andrews specifically after reading that book.
Brutus, I say, make a note: Ajo knows someone who's actually read a book.
A great book, says Ajo.
Cheap mysticism, I say. A Californian's idea of Scotland. Seamus McDivitt my ass.
Who's Seamus McDivitt? says Brutus.
The sage who tries to make a Pythagorean paradigm out of golf, I say.
You haven't read it, says Ajo. His name is Shivas Irons.
You're right, I say. It's Shivas Irons -- an equally stupid name.
I like it, says Ajo.
You like puns, says Brutus.
Bet Payne Stewart did too, I say.
Was weird what happened to Stewart, says Ajo.
A hole in one, says Brutus.
Oxygen failure during the ascent, says Ajo. He and his buddies all went unconscious.
That's the theory, I say.
You think it was suicide? says Brutus.
Like a cult thing? I say. Doubt it.
Why not? says Brutus. Like the Solar Temple.
Why not bring in the Bermuda Triangle when you're at it, says Ajo.
Payne Stewart was a religious fellow, wasn't he? says Brutus.
I dunno, was he? says Ajo.
You're the golf expert, says Brutus. Me, I'm just a hacker.
I don't fuggin' know, says Ajo. Jesus.
You followed him around at Myrtle Beach, didn't you? I say.
Fugg... you guys, says Ajo. Went to the PGA in Atlanta, that's all.
Dressed in Plus Fours, I say.
Golf In The Kingdom in your pocket, says Brutus.

Ajo is blue with torment. He gurgles as big Brutus emits little laughs, mean laughs, revenge laughs, Curvo laughs. My laughs are completely normal... although was it Cicero who said laughing is the consequence of wind?

My Name Is Bond »»»

© Lawrence Russell

Culture Court 2000